::chain me o0oO0o free::

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 03:44:18 GMT

Well, i'll wait 'til you listen
I wont say a word
to follow your instincts
just never worked for me
you're silent but strong, yeah, I'm playing that card
and you're noticing nothing again

Now I'm lying on the table
with everything you said
keep that in mind the way that it felt
when the most I could do was to just blame myself
Feel it out for once and feel nothing like everyone else
when the most I could do was to just blame myself

and I know you know, everything
I know you didn't mean it
I know you didn't mean it

I know you know, everything (drop everything)
I know you didn't mean it (start it all over)
I know you didn't mean it (remember more then youd like to forget)

So, we're talking forever
and you almost feel better
but, betters no excuse for tonight
you see, it's never bad enough
to just leave or give up
but, its never good enough to feel right

Now I'm lying on the table
with everything you said
it will all catch up eventually
well, it caught up and honestly
the weight of my decisions
were impossible to hold
but they were never yours
they were never yours

Well I, know you know, everything
I know you didn't mean it
I know you didn't mean it

I know you know, everything (drop everything)
I know you didn't mean it (start it all over)
I know you didn't mean it (remember more then youd like to forget)

Drop everything, start it all over
remember more then youd like to forget

Would you like to forget
would you like to forget
drop everything, start it all over
well, drop everything start it all over (would you like to forget)
drop everything start it all over
start it all...

Well I, know you know, everything
I know you didn't mean it
I know you didn't mean it

I know you know, everything (drop everything)
I know you didn't mean it (start it all over)
I know you didn't mean it (remember more then youd like to forget)

I know you know
I know you know...you know, you know, you know...

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 23:51:13 GMT

Alright so yesterday I had more fun with my camera and everyone would like me to put up the pictures that were taken. So here they are...enjoy.

Ok I think that I've become obsessed with taking pictures. Alright...The End!

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 20:04:51 GMT

yay for me I bought a camera the other day and I was very excited. However I went through a lot of unfortunate insanity to get this camera but i nonetheless succeeded! Hooray! here are some experimental pictures from last night.

MJ being kind of awesome

Emma being silly because she doesn't want her picture taken

Tyler...attempting to scare me and being a dancing fool

Tyler....just being tyler.

MJ being....sexy?

"have you seen my beachball? The beach is that way."

I'm not really sure what tyler is looking at. Oh well doesn't matter.

So that's pretty much it. I can't wait until I take pictures actually worth looking at. <3

Sun, 17 Jul 2005 17:28:17 GMT

Alright. So last night was interesting. Some of my friends had a chance to meet a boy....who I kinda like. I asked for their honest opinions....Dani and Fox were not very nice, and they came up with a list of negatives...and less negatives. So here they are:

negatives:

-Frolics through fireworks.
-attempts to enrage fire by dumping highly flammable wax into crazy inferno.
-adjusts fireworks with foot.
-supposedly is a pervert (sexual deviant)
-plays with fake firearms (deranged lunacy)
-(special message from fox) are you two stealing my weed? ps and my bowl? (angry face)
-*macks it in the freaking woods (sketchy much? unconfirmed requires further investigating)
-pilfers aerosol body spray and directs it at open flame...hazardous/lame

less negatives:

>-experiments with fireworks and fire elicits amiable results :)
>-juggles hackysac

[on a scale of 1-100...results:7]

Thank you Dani and Andy Fox.

I was kind of less than pleased with the list. But honestly he is better than that....just last night....was interesting. End of story.

<3s always~

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 21:24:42 GMT

Ok. So I haven't written in this stupid thing for SUCH a long time....but, I was thinking it would probably be the best way to just talk and vent and do whatever I need to do right now.

I honestly have been going through so many changes in my life recently. I don't know what's going on with me anymore. I went through a changing time already in April. I got a tattoo, a pair of piercings and cut off a good length of my hair. And honestly I felt good about myself for a while. But now, there's too much drama. And for ME to be involved in it is insane. I HATE drama...but more I hate the people who start it. Honestly for what reason people start drama with me as opposed to being adults and talking to me about it. Huh now that's a novel idea. I hate people sometimes.

But on a good note, I've done a lot of things for me lately. I never really took time for myself and/or bought myself nice clothes or just had time to myself to think and deal with my life without having to feel like I needed to help someone else. And I've been going through some tough stuff that I'm really glad that I have my friends to help me though it, even though they probably have no idea how tough these situations are for me, and I'm not even sure if they know about them, I'm just glad they're there if I need someone to talk to or someone to run to when it all gets to be too much for me to handle.

I've also decided that I'm cutting my hair again and dying it. Probably later in July, I'm so excited I can't wait. I'm also piercing my nose, I'm leaning toward the septum but no one wants me to, I think I'm going to do it for myself.

Another thing that I've done for myself is I've finally gone vegan. After thinking about it for SO long, I realized that I needed to stop being a pussy and just do it. I guess being a vegetarian wasn't strong enough for my convictions. The only down side of being vegan is that everyone asks why you decided upon it. For some reason that bother's me. I know it shouldn't but it does. Usually the topic comes up when I'm out with people for lunch or dinner or something. They just look at me with a face like I either killed someone or I'm a bad person for not eating meat. And then the question "why would you ever go vegan?!" I don't know. It's a little pet peeve. But what can you do?

I also really miss Chris. I was thinking about him the other day and I realized what a great friend he has been to me. Even though right now I feel like things are awkward between us...and I know exactly why and it's all my fault. That just kills me inside. I honestly wish that I could take everything back. 10,000 sleepless nights not knowing the answer would be better than what I feel right now. But I can't take back what I've said, and I guess I'll just have to live with the regrets of my stupid ideas and insignificant words.

I'm leaving for Nantucket tomorrow with Andrea. We're going to meet up with my family. I'm thinking this is going to be a fun trip. I'm not too thrilled but I'm not really thrilled with much these days. I hate feeling like this.

I think I might be moving to Texas too. No one really knows about it, but I'm pretty sure that I'll be moving there next summer. Maybe I'll go to TU, but it might just be a summer apartment type deal. For some reason (and not the reason everyone thinks it is) I feel my heart really longing to be down in Texas. I see little things that remind me of Texas and my heart longs for it. I think it might be God's little way of telling me that I belong there. Corny I know, but I believe things like that.

Well I have to finish packing. Maybe I'll take the time to write in this more so it's not always so overwhelmingly full of just bullshit.

<3staychill_

Thu, 05 May 2005 22:51:23 GMT

Procrastinating is so bad. I hate having so much to do and absolutely no motivation whatsoever. Anyhoo I’m so bored hence I decided to write in this journal. I haven’t in a few months I think. I don’t know it’s been a while. Anyways the last thing I wrote about was my tattoo appointment. So yea I got that done…re fell in love with a past love, cut a lot of my hair, pierced my nipples, cabaret came and went….and met a new boy. Honestly these past months have been total and udder change. And I love it.

I can’t believe that in a month I’m no longer going to be a high school student. Today we were inducted into the Bay View alumni association. That’s crazy! Prom is in like 20 days and we only have around 10 school day’s left, then exams then graduation. It’s going to come so fast…but I don’t know if that’s soon enough. I have so many mixed feelings about school…I’m really going to miss all my friends I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do without all of them. But I hate the hellhole that’s called my school. It’s just so wacked I don’t even know how to explain it. But it’ll be over soon and hopefully the summer will be full of memory making opportunities and great times with my friends. I can’t wait.

Ok I’m rather bored. Maybe it’s time to stop rambling on and do something kinda pointless….

I stole this from Jen…it might keep me busy for a little while_

Have you ever. . .

(x) smoked a cigarette
(x) smoked a cigar
( ) made out with a member of the same sex...to say the least....
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
(X) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(X) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of your parent's house
(X) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
( ) been arrested
(X) made out with a complete stranger
(X) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(X) had a crush on a teacher
(x) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
(X) seen someone die
(X) had a crush on one of your myspace friends
( ) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) thrown up in a bar
(X) PURPOSEFULLY set a part of yourself on fire
(X) eaten Sushi
(x) been snowboarding
(X) met someone in person from myspace (that you didn't know before)
(X) been hxc dancing at a show
(x) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id...hehehe
(x) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
(X) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) pet a reindeer or a goat
(x) won a contest
( ) been suspended from school
(x) been in a car accident
(x) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
(X) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (goddamn temporary depression)
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
(X) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(X) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(X) sung karaoke
( ) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(X) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
( ) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
(X) crashed a party
(x) gone rollerskating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey
(x) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
(X) screamed vagina in class
(x) ate dog/cat food (maybe in a drunken state once or twice :)
(X) told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
(x) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something (to my other hand)
(X) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(X) worn the opposite sexes clothes
( ) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(X) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
(X) didn't take a shower for a week
(x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(X) had a tree house/club house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies alone
(x) believe in ghosts
(x) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
(X) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
(X) played ding-dong-ditch
(X) played chicken
(X) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger(yea and I don’t like sketchy people like that…it scares me)
(x) broken a bone
(X) caught a fish then ate it
(X) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed
(X) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
( ) have a Briteny Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) slept naked
(X) French braided someone’s hair

Fri, 25 Mar 2005 21:39:18 GMT

AH I set up my tattoo appointment today. Hell yes! I'm super excited. So basically I have until Wednesday at 5 to be tattooless. OooOoooOOOoo Sooooo excited. Watch me faint I'll just laugh oh well. I think I'm going to have a panic attack! haha

later homes

<3

this is my farewell to this city...

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 23:23:05 GMT

Disenchanting the romantic.
This is the real, this is the shame.
These limbs search feverishly for the gift of gravity.
Coarse twine tears clean.
And i have thought about this very instance for all time.
Decades longer than you or I.
Crimson comforting, scorching this flesh, giving its caring for me.
And i have thought about these moments for all time.
Dangling from a silver lining.
These lungs welcome the crimson tides of misfortune.
Hell to pay, this is my farewell to this city...

-converge_farewell note to this city-

I'm such a wreck right now. I'm slowly starting to realize what I have done. I'm afraid for my future. Have I justified my past? Should I learn to let him go? Or should I hold on to him for dear life? He's leaving Monday...I might go with him...forever. People think I'm being childish and impulsive...but they don't understand the love that I feel for him. These feelings are so hard to live with, I don't want to face them anymore. I hope it all works out in the end.

<3

Fri, 11 Mar 2005 00:00:58 GMT

OOOOH MAN I <3 ANNIE! Read.....

biLliEJoE947: especially since you me and andrea are going to gang bang him
biLliEJoE947: lol
SpiDey7128: no doubt
SpiDey7128: foursome
SpiDey7128: damn i wont be of age....
SpiDey7128: ill watch
biLliEJoE947: hahaha
biLliEJoE947: annie please
SpiDey7128: i dont want dane to go to jail
biLliEJoE947: your at the age of legal concent
biLliEJoE947: lol
SpiDey7128: ummm ok
SpiDey7128: that works
biLliEJoE947: yea
biLliEJoE947: it does
biLliEJoE947: becaues i cant have you miss out on the best sex of your life lol
SpiDey7128: no shit
SpiDey7128: im saving myself for dane
biLliEJoE947: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
SpiDey7128: in the middle im guna stop and be like, "DANE SAY IT!!!!
SpiDey7128: haha my dick feels like corn
biLliEJoE947: HAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAH
SpiDey7128: lol
SpiDey7128: oh that was a knee slapper
biLliEJoE947: HAHAHA i just fuckin pissed my parnts
biLliEJoE947: pants*
SpiDey7128: haha
SpiDey7128: nice
biLliEJoE947: omg that was the BEST!
SpiDey7128: haha i try

<3

Mon, 28 Feb 2005 01:02:45 GMT

ok so it's the end of vacation. It wasn't that bad...but it wasn't uber good either. It was very relaxing and fun. Ruth and I did a lot of chillin. We went to another one of Chris' shows on...wednesday I think it was, that was a good time. The rest of the vacation I've been cleaning and finding things around the house to do to fill up my time. I basically wanted to enjoy the week of not working before hell started at school. In the process I drove my dad insane with the little projects I worked on...which all of them involved me going to his work and asking him for supplies.

I've decided to be hella scene and create a fuckin myspace ([http://profiles.myspace.com/users/10463341] yea see check it out huh huh. Wow I'm a dork). Even though I've had one...for like...3 months I just never really worked on it because I haven't had the time. But since I was pretty bored I figured I'd work on it. They're kinda fun. I have to say. I'm enjoying it.

anyways I'm going to make like a baby and head out. I have stuff to clean and people to see...

stay fresh_

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 16:58:56 GMT

So the last week I guess has been a lot better than other weeks. But thank god I'm on some sort of a vacation this week.

Saturday, Annie and I went to states to cheer Andy on. It was fun and all but it was so damn looooong. We showed up at Brown around 9:30 and we left at 4? I'm not really sure but I've never watched so much swimming in my life...Annie and I also realized that swimming apparently is a white man's sport and that a lot of cute boys swim...a bit off topic but true nonetheless...

yesterday I went to the finals. I figured I'd cheer Andy (and maybe someone in particular ;)) on, congratulate him and the team and be some sort of moral support...eventhough I'm sure it didn't mean as much without Annie there. Oh well. Hendricken won 1st for the boys...Barrington 1st for the girls...Bay View came in 2nd...so overall the teams I went to see did awesome....after states I came home and just worked around the house. Nothing special. I really wanted to go out but hey what can you do?.

So today it's snowing outside. I'm starting to hate the snow. I really just want summer to come...I wont have to worry about high school and I'll be able to go to the beach and out on the boat...and maybe a few summer flings before college. haha I have to stop talking about this or I'm going to get really anxious.

It's really early and there's not much to do. Maybe I'll go take a walk and some pictures of the snow while it's here.

yay I'm starting to feel a lot better about myself.

<3

if you ever said you missed me then don't say you've never lied...I'm without you_

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 19:11:20 GMT

Ok so I haven't been home in a while...I've been pretty busy between tech and some homework I felt like I haven't had a moment to myself in a long time...

Today so far has been kinda boring. I've actually been in the mood to read...but I don't have a book. And I really wanted to bake some cookies but I have no one to give them to.

I've realized that I have a lot of personal stuff to work out. I thought that I was happy and loved the way I was living my life...but I'm not sure if I'm happy like the way I used to be. It's not a self discovery type thing because honestly I think I have a pretty good grip on who I am but I guess it's just that I don't hang out with my friends enough. I really need to do that I think.

So Valentine's day is coming. And I honestly have never felt so...I don't even know how I feel about it anymore. When I had a valentine it was ok...and usually when I don't it's ok too. Just lately...I've been wanting some affection from someone...and I guess that this (really dumb)holiday has got me thinking about how great I felt when I had someone who actually cared about me...I don't know...

I feel very cynical lately too. I don't know that I believe that love exists anymore. Because most of what I thought was love was an illusion it seems. I guess some would say that there's someone other than me to blame for these feelings but I believe it's just me. I can't really blame this boy who doesn't have any feelings for me...it's just hard to see him with someone else. I allowed myself to love and I got hurt by it. And honestly it seems like no one realizes how vulnerable a person is when they're "in love" and they do things to you that hurt sooo bad you want to curl up and die or just burst into tears. So I guess as of now...I'm not going to waste my time looking for love because in the end...I'll be the only one hurt.

This is crazy. Fuck it. I'm done caring. I don't like feeling this way :(

</3

some might say it's a rant....

Sat, 29 Jan 2005 04:25:41 GMT

I'm just kind of upset with people who have been lying to me. More so the people who talk about me behind my back....yea like it's not going to get back to me hahaha that's funny. But whatever I'm sorta over that because the people who do that are just dumb and karma will kick them in the ass later so I'm gonna let it ride. So I guess I'll just say...come on! don't lie to me...just grow some balls and say it to me...yea that'll be all about that subject.

Another thing I can't stand is people asking me to be their drug runner or go on booze runs for them. For Christ's sake I really don't want to...so steal a car or something and do it yourself. Perhaps I'll end that there.

Oh and people have been saying I'm a bitch...but honestly I don't think this stuff makes me a bitch...if you wanna see me being a bitch...let me know and I'll demonstrate...how's that?!

___________________________________________________________

On a much happier note...

Tonight I went out with the girls. I had a good time, I really needed it. We were supposed to go bowling buuuut that didn't work out so we went back and "watched" a movie but talked through the whole thing and just had fun being girls I guess. The only thing is that Andy came along...and he's not a girl so I'm not sure how he felt about the whole thing but he seemed alright...I guess I'll have to ask him tomorrow or something.

Tomorrow is finally Saturday. Not like I've had much school this week but still it feels nice to be out once again. I really have to make it a point to see Chris and get my pre-calc stuff back because I get to use it to help someone. Wonderful* But yea plus I miss the kid and Ruth has been telling me she hasn't seen him in 5 months which is pretty true so maybe I'll give him a call tomorrow?

Ok well I have a semi early day tomorrow so I'm gonna hit the sheets...

Stay honest_

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 00:53:58 GMT

Ok so this snow has kind of been a bummer. I have cabin fever soooo bad! Today was the first day I finally got out of the house. I chilled with Hill for a bit and then Annie came over and so did Jen. It was good to see friends especially since all I've been seeing is my family.

Oh this was fun...Yea I was so bored...

You're known for starting trouble. But you play it cool. Besides, no one can resist your sharp eyes and quick wit. *They* eat from the palm of your hand. Though you have weaknesses, which may have deadly consequences, you, are resurrected, as if the gods themselves breathed immortality into you.

Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.

Anyways tomorrow's no school. Finally an odd day off. I have a feeling I'm going to be up to some fun things tomorrow. I'm gonna go watch a movie...

stay fresh_

I know I could love you better than everyone else

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 03:33:40 GMT

Ok so I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm not really sure if that's actually a good thing though. I'm going through so many emotions right now...and a lot of them I can't even explain to myself let alone anyone else. I go from super happy to totally depressed and crying for hours on end. I feel so empty and helpless inside. I really hate this feeling. And the person I want to talk to most about how I'm feeling...I almost feel guilty for talking him...like I'm not worth any of his time. Or that my situation is totally pointless and/or annoying. Sometimes I wish I could make myself totally numb and apathetic to people and the world, it could sometimes make situations a lot more bearable. At this point...I thought I knew what was going on...but realized that I have no fucking clue. And that blows.

Last night was kinda sketch and really didn't help me at all trying to figure out what I'm doing and what I want. I had a dream that I had sex with some boy...yea I'm not going to mention his name but it's someone who I've already basically been there done that with and I'm really confused. I have no idea what it means or what I should get out of it or what relevance it has to my life at all. It basically got me thinking...do I want to go there again with him? And the sad part is...I honestly don't know. Maybe it's because I can't be with the one guy I'd love to be with...so I'm thinking that I'll be ok with what I can get. Oh man it's just really confusing.

I have no idea if I'm making any sense. I'd like to think that I am. Who knows if that's the case. Oh well what can you do?

</3

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 01:10:07 GMT

weekend recap....wonderful*

Friday was my birthday. It started out pretty bad but got better as the day went on. That night me, Annie, Jen, Shannon and Hill went to Dave and Busters and had a fun time. Other than that nothing really happened. It's not really what I expected my 18th birthday to be like, but I'm glad that's all it was. I think I've toned down a lot in the past few months. Oh well.

Saturday was crystal. I had a fun time. After the dance we all went back to Jen's house. Gianna and Meg showed up a little while after and eventually Fox got drunk...and I was getting so pissed off at him. He was being such a dick. So Chris and I just kinda chilled by ourselves and watched a movie which I tried to understand (story of my life haha). So after that I had to drive Chris home. We had a talk...and honestly I'm so relieved that I told him because I feel 10,000 times better now. So I drove him home around 4 and then went back to Jen's house...chilled with Annie for a little while and went to bed around 5:30. It wasn't a bad night...it just wasn't what I expected. I talked to Ian too, I felt bad for him because he really didn't want to be there and he wasn't having a good time at all. Oh well there's really nothing I can do about that. And I feel really bad because I think I was a really bad date and looking back I kinda feel like an asshole...sorry Chris :(

Today...eh I really didn't do too much. I woke up around 9:30ish to say bye to Chris G and then stayed up with Annie. We went out to breakfast around 12 and then I ended up going home around 1:30? I don't know. Honestly I'm so tired right now I don't know why I can't fall asleep. ehh.

Ok well sex and the city re-runs are on and I'm going to leave because this is getting pretty boring.

I only wish I could begin to tell you everything you mean to me

</3

I can't dream without showing intentions

Tue, 28 Dec 2004 18:58:18 GMT

Well I wanted to say happy new years to everyone. I'm leaving for NH in about 10 mins and I wont be home until January 1st. I'm rather excited. I'm hopeing that I'll have many stories from this trip. woot!

I hope everyone has fun new years eve...maybe I'll give everyone a call since I wont be having a party. Oh well. See ya in 2005!

<3

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 04:06:44 GMT

Ok so after last night I'm not allowed to go out for a while. Granted last night was a BLAST! But all the same it still kinda sucks because tonight was the nice ups show...and I can't go. I'm sure Chris will fill me in on the wonderfulness of the show. Lucky duck. But anyways...I went shopping today and it was just a little bit crazy...I finally got my Christmas shopping done. Now all I have to do is drop each present off at everyone's house. That shouldn't be bad. I hope it's not raining because then...the presents will get all...wet and yucky. Oh well.

I'm actually really excited about Christmas eve at Nana's house. I can't wait for all the crazy stories and maybe a few contests? And then after that it's just Christmas at my house...God help me. I really don't like getting together with my dad's side of the family. At least it's only for one night right? Eh what are you gonna do. I can't wait until Christmas is over though...all this music is driving me up a wall. I stopped to think today and I was singing frosty the snowman. Which actually is kinda funny but really only for the 1st 2 minutes...

I can't believe my birthday is in 2 weeks. Honestly I don't feel this old. I'm really excited about my birthday. Now all I have to do is figure out what I'm doing and I'll be all set. Crystal is the day after...which I'm not too sure if I'm excited about that as much as I should be. I found my dress today which makes the stress level go down...but I think I talked it up too much and I'm hoping it's better than what I'm expecting. After all I'm going with Chris so I know I'll at least have a good time with him. But a lot of people aren't going and I don't know the whole thing just seems a little blah at this point. I hope it changes.

Oh I just got really excited! I just realized how many fun shows are coming up. Ok I kinda really want to go to see gwar in January. Although I’d be really afraid that I would die…I would need someone to come with me, I don’t think I’d want to go by myself. Oh and Bane is coming around soon too…but no one will go with me to that show haha.

Ok I’m getting bored with this. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas! I’ll catch you laterrrr. Stay fresh.

<3

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 05:42:07 GMT

I wish I could take your world and make it happy once again

smash me to the ground a thousand times as before

Sat, 18 Dec 2004 06:20:22 GMT

I really just don't know where to begin. Last night was interesting...I'll leave it at that.

Tonight was fun. I went to RIC and joined Chris in the studio for his radio show. I just always have a good time with him. I don't know where I'd be without him. That sounded really corny. Oh well. After that I went to Gi's house. That was interesting.

Now I'm at home. Bored to death. Tired as hell. I can not sleep. Goddamn this feeling.

I just wish for one night I wouldn't cry myself to sleep

</3

Thu, 16 Dec 2004 00:06:57 GMT

You've got wrapped around my world, so tight that I can't breathe

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 23:00:23 GMT

So this week has been rather interesting thus far. Yesterday I went up to visit Chris for a day early birthday present. I made him a cake...which everyone said was really good and I got him the converge/hellchild spilt....which he was very excited about. YAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY today Chris!

oOoOOoo my birthday is in 3 weeks...or something like that. That's kinda exciting. YAY

Exams start Thursday...which I'm not really happy about. I'm just excited they're going to be over. And after break I'll probably hear from my colleges. I've decided that I'm not worried anymore. woot!

I just can't even think about writing anything else I have way too much work to do. Stay fresh kiddies

<3

Tue, 07 Dec 2004 03:34:14 GMT

I really just need someone to talk to...and I guess instead of bother people with a sob story I figured I can vent by writing about it. At this point I really have no clue what direction my life is going in. College yeah...I know what I'm going to major in...I have an idea of what I'm doing after college pretty much. Honestly the only thing I don't like about my life right now is how I'm so heartbroken. I mean I guess it's a natural feeling...but why?! I honestly have felt this way for 4 years now. Being hopelessly in love with this one guy...who will never reciprocate the feelings...it's rough. And it seems like everything in life just points out the fact of how pathetic it is...or builds my hopes up and just kicks me in the ass. Like last night...I had this awesome dream...obviously about this boy. And basically all the dream consisted of was him holding my hand as we walked together and he kissed me. And the sad thing is....is that dream really made me happy. Is that a sick thing? I don't even know anymore. I mean I'm not really obsessing over him...or waiting for him because I am interested in other people but it's never really the same with them...I don't even know if that makes sense. Whatever this whole thing has gotten me really under the weather. I just don't feel like myself anymore...

</3

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 23:39:40 GMT

I wish I could tell you
But the words would come out wrong
Oh if you only knew
The way I felt for so long
I know that we're worlds apart
But I just don't seem to care
These feelings in my heart
Only with you I want to share

I hope that when time goes by
You will think the same about me
Many nights awake I lie
I only wish that you could see
I know that we're only friends
I hope this feeling never ends
If I could only hold you
It's the only thing I want to do.

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 00:22:52 GMT

Eh I'm bored so I'm going to recap the weekend.

Wednesday was kinda boring. Ruth and I made cookies for Chris buuut he couldn't hang out so we didn't get to see him. We ended up going to Emma's house which is always fun. There isn't really too much to say about that day.

Thursday was Thanksgiving. Overall it was a good day. No family fights which is always a plus...I think it's mainly because granny, grandpa and Kathy had Thanksgiving with Lee-Ann and Dan at their house. So it was my mom's side and the Gordon's. I had a good time just hanging out with Jess...I hadn't seen her in a while so that was a good time to catch up on our lives. But that's pretty much all that happened.

Friday Ruth, Hill and I went to the mall. Yeah I know. What the fuck did we go to the mall the day after Thanksgiving?! Yea I don't know either. There were so many people...in that place I like to call...Satan's asshole! It wasn't that bad I got a few things...talked to a few Abercrombie workers while Hill was trying on clothes... saw a few people I knew. The day could have been worse. Friday night I chilled with Gi, Joey and Hill...and if that wasn't an interesting night...I don't know what is. I'm just going to leave it at that because as the night went on I became very pissed off and it's really not worth re-visiting those feelings.

Saturday I almost burnt my house down...then went to my aunt's house. From there we went to Mystic aquarium. That was fun but VERY cold...and that was the end to that day.

Sunday was church. I really miss PG and Robyn. But overall it was ok. After church I felt like making stencils sooo I made an ultrasaurus stencil for Chris because I figured it would be funny. I finally got to bring him the cookies but I didn't visit for long...he had band practice...yay! But after that I came home and just chilled with the fam. Watched a little TV and wrote some stuff.

It seems like a pretty boring weekend...but I'm glad it was restful because I slept for the first time in a looooong time. So it was good. But I mean come on...it's always a good time with me. God damn that sounded sketchy. Oh well...another story for another day.

<3